“Be still, and know that I am God!” ~ Psalm 46:10
You are saying so much
about really living.
I am overwhelmed by the weight of it
Once again, bones upon bones upon bones
heaped into piles around me.
a puzzle I cannot sort
I cannot hear you for the noise.
Oh Lord, silence the voices
of self and other in my heart!
Speak with your voice
and your words!
I am dried out, tired
my eyes sore from searching
my mind worn from knowing
… I’m in the way
Still and small or loud and clear
Whatever you will
Just say a thing I know is from you
and not from self or other
Reach through this forest and
part those clouds and
Speak order and power
into these bones.
Make them live!
Oh, wait now. I remember.
…and there you are
You say your Word
and I shall speak it
and there will be renewed life.
I’ve wanted to go on a personal retreat for a long time, but it’s difficult with all the responsibilities of life and kids. Honestly, nothing has compelled me to find a way to make it happen. Until now, that is. God is doing a number on my heart. I’ve been more and more desperate for His Word and His presence in my life. At the same time, Aaron realized he wants more time with Samantha and is taking three weeks of family bonding leave in June. He also told me I could take some time away. Bingo! Personal retreat.
Ok so… what does that mean? I decided to take a few days away. No TV, internet, etc. to distract me or I’d just plug in and tune out. I ended up going for a glorified yurt in the woods. It is secluded and surrounded by trees with a view of the lake. Outhouse, propane stove, lantern, and ice box provided, as well as a fold out bed and linens. Plus a lock on the door. Perfect! It’s comfy camping, really. I’m a little nervous about being there alone at night but the fact that it is a camp will help alleviate my fears. I’m getting pretty excited about it! I grew up with lots of time in the Oregon woods. Rain and all, I plan on hiking the trails, sitting out on the porch, and hiding away to pray and read God’s word.
Someone asked me what my goal was – what I was planning on getting clarity about or an answer for. Blank stare. Um… I don’t know. Whatever He has for me is fine! I guess some direction on what to focus on in the myriad of things He’s changing in my heart. Or more simply, just the experience of being still and listening to Him. I want to stop talking, stop petitioning, stop clamoring… at least for a time… and just listen! I want lessons from God on how to listen to Him instead of myself or the world or the well-intentiond-but-a-little-off people in my life.
You want to know what makes me the most nervous? It’s not the seclusion or lack of distraction or being by myself. It’s being alone with God, and finding out that I simply cannot hear Him because of my own internal clamoring.
Or worse, that He has nothing to say to me at all.
But regardless of what I FEEL, what I KNOW is that God is way more faithful than I am. He knows me better than even I do and loves me completely anyway. He’ll be there, and He’ll have something lovely to say to me.
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me” ~ John 10:27
- A season in the fire
- Attack birds, llamas, and rats, oh my!
- Less of me
- My personal mission statement